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The Wet Spots - PSA lyrics

Honey, if like us you linger
Around your backside with a finger
And stimulate your prostate just for fun

It's natural to fantasize
About a toy of larger size
And by all means, friend
Go out and purchase one

But should your prudishness preempt it
Then you may be sorely tempted
To improvise with what you have on hand

I know it seems a perfect fit
We advise you, wait a bit
Listen to this song
And you will understand

Never put a fish in your bum, chum
Not even one tiny little fishstick in your bum
Never put a fish in your hole, Joel
That frozen snapper's going to be too cold

Well, it will give you an erection
But it's sure to cause infection
So never never never never never never never never never never put a fish in your bum

Never put a vacuum in your bum, chum
Never put that shiny tented hose in your bum
(And don't put it on your cock, either)
Never put a vacuum in your crack, Jack
There's better ways to tidy up round back

Well, I'll bet you a hundred and fifty bucks
That the experience is really gonna suck
So never never never never never never never never never never put a vacuum in your bum

Never put a cellphone in your bum, mum
That's just a general rule of thumb
Never put a cellphone in your ass, Cass
Ain't no reception up your (?) pass

Radiation causes sterilization
And eventual loss of all sensation
So never never never never never never never never never never put a cellphone in your bum

Never put a bowling up your ass
That's just crass
That mother's never gonna pass
Don't roll that big thing up your lane, Jane
Have you gone totally insane?

Although it's safer than a trout
It can be hard to get the damn thing out
So never never never never never never never never never never put a bowling ball in your ass

Folks, folks, the Wet Spots, The Wet Spots care about your bums
We love your bums
And every year thousands of people are hospitalized because they make bad anal choices
That's right, honey
And we want you to know that you can save yourself a trip to the emergency room if you just make a short detour to the toy store and buy yourself a quality silicone butt plug
I hear women's wear is nice
Not that kind of plug, honey
But you should know never to buy a novelty toy, because novelties are meant to be kept on your knick-knack shelf, beside your fake vomit and your Whoopie cushion
If it's a novelty, it might be made out of softened PVC, which is a material so toxic that Health Canada banned its use for dog toys
So buy silicone folks
And remember, your ass is not a joke

If you accept these tips
In your pursuit of anal kicks
You're sure to have a lot of good clean fun
You're going to have a ball
Just relax and start out small
And don't forget to wash it when you're done
Shooba-dooba-dooba-dooba-do-wa! Ahh!