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Madness - Visit To Dracstein Castle lyrics

Hi, an invite to Christmas at Count Dracstein's
somewhere in Germany
In a bucket, he he he

Hold up!
Shine the lamp in the air - Count Dracstein's Castle
Dissss issss assss far as I can go!
See de tramp here asleep on de bench?
Yes! Oh what a stink!

The castle is just beyond heem
There are some thingssss about the casssstle
Yes, yes?
Some people dare not mention!
Like what?
I dare not mention!
Ha ha ha

Ding dong!
Hello, we're from the megaband Madness
Oh I see, you must have the wrong wing
Try further up, yes?

Ding dong!
Oh, you must be the Madness
No, we're exhausted!
Ha ha ha...

Bellboys come take their luggage into their rooms and kill 'em...
Oi! Rest your feet now and take off those heavy boots
No thanks I'd rather not
Get em' off you little rat!
Off with the boots! Off with the boots!
Pooooooooooo!!!!!
Jesus wept! Put 'em back on!

What is the meaning of this outrage?
Who are these people? What are you doing in my house?
I want you to leave this instant
Where did all these people come from?
I don't wish to see anyone anymore
Go immediately or I shall call the guards!
What is the meaning of this?
Where did all these people come from?
Get out of my bloody house immediately!

My dear guests here is the Lady Baron Von Robinstein
You can say that again!
Baron Von Robinstein....
You can say that again!
Baron Von Robinstein.....
You can say that again!
Baron Von Robinstein.......but alas!
Macbeth......!

Attention! Madam Varicose Vein.....
Butler! Bring me a lemon tea!
Have you no offered our guests a drink?
No..........er.......
Then do so!
Yes madam........

No doubt I've already been told I am Madam Varicose Vein.......
But for short you may call me Vu.......
If you desire, if you so desire
Ah.....hiya VB babe, my name is er Billy Bedds, if you call me lover, I'll pull your wig off
Hi, I'm Chris/Suggs.........
Hello, I'm Chris, and if you can reach a high 'F' you can treat me nice.....
Hi, I am Chris, you don't mess about with me, spin on that!
Ooh yes, what a lovely young girl.....
Hello! My name's Kix, I try to be like Chris
If you don't want an intelligent conversation, come knock on my four-poster immediately!
How come you're not the intelligent one?
Because I wrote this!
Hi I'm Woods, I make the four-poster bed, Woody Woodpecker if you like.....
Hi I'm crazy Carl........are you alright......

Haven't you got any Bob Hope here?
Or Bob Marley..........
Madam, your lemon tea and hot toddies are here for the guests......
Suggestive, digestives eh?
Eat, drink and be merry!!!
Guzzle, guzzle, guzzle
I've come over all giddy.......what odd-tasting toddy etc!
Weird........

Where on earth are we?
Lee?
It looks to me like the basement of the old Stiff Records......I just saw a rat....
Really?
It coulda been, it coulda well been....
Let's see what's behind that door
Let's take a look, yee-ha!

(Music plays 'The Conga' in the background)

What actually did this place used to be?
Torture chamber.....
Who's throwing the party then?
Virgin silly.......
Where's the grub then?
WHERE IS THE RECORD DECK!!!
And sounds more to the point.....
Who may I ask......actually owns this place?
We were under the impression it was Count Dracstein!!!!
And the girls.......?
He died over two hundred years ago......
And the food........?
WHERE'S THE YOUNG LADIES?!!!!!!