Drive-By Truckers - The Presidents Penis Is Missing lyrics


(Scene: The press corps have descended upon the White House. A spokesperson begins to speak)

They looked in the White House
And Capitol Hill
They looked everywhere
For Buffalo Bill
We called every scholar
Reporter and genius
Has anyone seen the President's penis

It ain't in the Congress or Judiciary
It ain't in the Smithsonian
Or that big ol' library
An astronomer claims
It was sighted on Venus
Has anyone seen the President's penis

[Now the entire press corps erupts in song)

The President's penis is missing, ole
We searched high and low
Every night. every day
Lord, won't you come down and redeem us
Has anyone seen the President's penis

[At this point legendary newsman Walter Cronkite returns from the moon to add his commentary)

Now Presidents have goofed up
In all kinds of ways

In the 80's we elected one
Missing his brain
George Washington caught a cold
He couldn't explain
And we all know the truth
About Thomas Jefferson's name

[Suddenly Wiliam Randolph Hurst rises from the grave and bellows out in an Orsen Wells-type voice]

Franklin D Rossevelt wasn't no square
With that raging Woodrow
In his wheelchair
And all the lesbians snickered
That Eleanor didn't care
And John Kennedy's penis
Was seen everywhere

[Once again, everyone breaks out in gleeful song]


[The scene shifts to Sen. John Glenn wandering pensively somewhere in space]

Them outer space people
Would laugh if they'd seen us
All this talk about cum-stains
And oral coitus
Meanwhile the whole world
Suffers from hunger and mean-ness
But we're more concerned
With the President's penis