Adam Sandler - The Buffoon & The Valedictorian lyrics

And now the buffoon’s date at the drive-in with the school’s valedictorian.

Valedictorian: I really appreciate you’re asking me out. most people are intimidated by my high academic achievement.

Buffoon: this movie sucks shit!

Valedictorian: well, ebel gave it thumbs up, but ciscel thought it was too preachy. anyway, I enjoyed the director’s last film immensly.

Buffoon: cathleen turner has big fuckin’ tits!

Valedictorian: yes, well, she recently had a child. I think her maternal biology may play a role in that. she looks fabulous for a woman her age, doesn’t she?

Buffoon: I put a firecracker in a bullfrog’s mouth and blew his fuckin’ head off.

Valedictorian: well, in psychology we learned that it is not uncommon for male adolescents to commit savage acts on animals as part of their maturing process.

Buffoon: that girl in the fucking car in front of us, she gives everybody head.

Valedictorian: well, I guess she’s strong for attention and she feels promiscuity is the only way to obtain it.

[buffoon eating popcorn]
Buffoon: this popcorn’s fuckin’ terrible. it tastes like someone jizzed all over it.
[buffoon continues to eat popcorn]

Valedictorian: well the amount of semen on this popcorn is certainly disturbing. perhaps the staff in the refreshment stand was overcome by the monotony of their work and decided to play a
Dish prank.

Buffoon: I looked at my asshole in the mirror today. it blew my fuckin’ mind!

Valedictorian: it’s ironic that parts of one’s body seems odd and unusual because you don’t see them on a day to day basis.

Buffoon: my father’s shit stinks up the bathroom all fuckin’ day!

Valedictorian: it’s puzzling why one person’s fecal odor can be more overpowering than another’s. I wonder whether it is a function of the food digested or that person’s internal metabolis

Buffoon: I’m gonna go get head from that fuckin’ girl.
[gets out of the car]

Valedictorian: well, I’m sorry to see the date come to such an abrubt conclusion.
[buffoon walking away]
I do appreciate the time you spent with me and look forward to a future rondevue.

Buffoon: I like to piss in that guy’s fuckin’ gas tank!

Valedictorian: bye bye! have fun.